I don't know how anyone else likes their coffee but I can say that people would walk 200 ft to get a cup of my coffee even if they were sitting right next to a coffee pot. (The trick is consistency) The same amount of water and the same amount of grounds (right amount) in every pot.

NOW FOR THE DILEMMA

In the early to mid 80’s some boneheaded supply officer (sublant) had the idea that he could save a lot of space onboard a submarine if he changed all the coffee makers and coffee to instant coffee. I was in A division and it was our job to remove all the bunn coffee makers and replace them with Instant coffee machines. I replaced the first one and hooked it up. I did all the adjustments for it to make coffee. We tried and tried to make adjustments and no matter what we did to it, it still tasted like SHIT I mean doo do.

At that moment I was determined to figure out how I was going to get a 30 cup coffee maker and about 15-20 ( I ended up closer to 30+) 35lb cans of coffee onboard and not to be found out or how to get 3 coffee pots (need spares) and all that coffee without requisitioning that amount of coffee and not leaving a paper trail. Now I have to say this in a way that would not incriminate me or I mean the person that did it. So About 4 oclock in the morning said person went to the tender and talked to the Chief cook and posed a hypothetical question of how someone would be able to comshaw uh acquire that much coffee. (A different deal was already made to acquire the coffee pots. (different people than the cooks to get pots) ). A deal then was made for the coffee that included several A2 foul weather jackets with liners, several tins of Victoria cookies, an A1 Leather flight jacket (LITERALLY GOLD FOR THE JACKET) and a small tool chest with assorted tools (For the Chiefs Mess). Now to acquire all this loot took several other deals, all that had to be made with finesse to pull this house of cards off. One other Item was required and that was an approved locker and mounting for the same and that had a hidden compartment to conceal the coffee pot and some grounds (in the original plans omitted the concealed space but when it was made it had the hidden door in it). The deal to make the locker only took 2 jackets and 1 tin of cookies.

Now for the fun stuff, to hide all the 35lb cans of coffee. They are not small (12X12X18) but 2 of them will fit in the bottom of a berthing rack in the missile house without being noticed. you can still sleep in the bunk if you curl up. So myself and about 9 other guys in the division had 2 cans stowed in our bunks. no problem but we still had 10+ to go. so we set the remainder in the frame bays in AMR1 Lower Level and lagged and painted them over They looked like they were a part of the boat. They also had to pass space pre underway inspection (Conducted by the Captain and /or the Engineer). All this so we can get underway undetected (As long as we got underway it would take a hell of a time to get rid of them.)
Now for the trickiest part, we needed one other person to sign off on this whole endeavor.

THE CAPTAIN

Yes that's right, The Skipper.

This wasn't going to be easy but I knew the Captain pretty well (as well as a second class Petty Officer can) but I did know one thing, that the Captain loved his coffee. I almost never saw him without a cup. First day underway we switched to instant coffee, talking about grumpy, he begrudgingly drank that slop. And I can say without a doubt that everybody around him knew he hated it.

The captain had a routine when we went to sea, he would place a standing wake up call with the Chief of the Watch for 0500 In which at the appointed time messenger would go and knock on the Captains door and wait to hear the Captain say come in then the messenger would enter and say to the Captain, The Officer of the Deck sends his respecTS and reports the time is 0500 and the ship is surfaced or submerged (Depending on our status) and is at X amount of feet depth then report if we were doing any special operations such as periscope depth or blowing of sanitaries (only submariners would know why we would tell him about our tank operations). To finish off the report he would say this is your wake up call then wait to see if the Captain answers or has anything to inform the Officer of the Deck of and then he would be dismissed. The routine unfolded daily that the Captain would S, SH and shave then go to the QM stand check the chart and head off to the officers mess for breakfast, then he would then return to his stateroom grab his notebook and a light jacket and he would tour the boat till roughly 1600. ( I mention all this because it needs to be known to ensure that the plan can unfold properly)

Now the plan is in action. The Captain would come by AMR1 (machinery one) at 0745. At 0730 I brewed a fresh pot of coffee and was fanning the smell in the direction in which the captain would walk. He took the bait and came into the machinery room sniffing trying to find out where that alluring nectar smell was coming from. I saw him enter the compartment. I Poured a fresh cup, hid the coffee pot by closing the false face of the cabinet concealing the brown liquid gold making machine. Then I walked around the corner and sat the fresh cup of coffee right in front of the Captain in which he picked it up, sniffed and drank. He looked up at me and said that's real coffee and I said how could that be you ordered us to replace all the pots with the instant coffee stuff. He looked at me and said this is real coffee. I then said someone could get into real trouble if they smuggled a coffee pot and real coffee on board. The CAPTAIN JUST SAID NO ONE WOULD BE IN TROUBLE ON MY BOAT IF I CAN HAVE ACCESS TO THIS. I Told him it was TOP SECRET and I regaled him with the entire plan along with the concealed locker and How it worked to get open, and where all the cans I had on board. From then on, the Auxilaryman forward woke the captain with a fresh cup of coffee in the morning and the Captain came back any time He wished to have a fresh cup.

Oh by the way at the end of that underway period we scrapped all that instant crap and got real coffee pots again. (By the order of the Captain)

- Dj K.